Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
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I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
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I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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