I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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