hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'm always down for nudity.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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