i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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