I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
