The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
