You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
