she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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