im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
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