these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
