My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
