Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
