Little spoons don't ask big questions
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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