yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Randomize
