this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
