someone get that fucking seahorse.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Randomize
