i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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