i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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