The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
