You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
