Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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