yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
