My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
