ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
