Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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