you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
