I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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