Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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