Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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