and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
