I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
whose parrot is this?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
