At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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