Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
you win again, gameday.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
