you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
