After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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