proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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