Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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