its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
