I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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