So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
