Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
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She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
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I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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