My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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