I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
