She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
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