Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
