oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
