the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize