Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
