Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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