She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
