Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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