Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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