I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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