Don't you send me to vm
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
