When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
