Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
