dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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