if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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